HOW TO BECOME A GODDAMN MAGICIAN
1. OWN A TABLET PEN
2. PUT IT DOWN FOR TEN SECONDS
3. ABRACADABRA WHERE THE FUCK DID IT GO
never have I laughed so hard
Me with my phone.
when privileged groups want rights, safety, and respect, it’s called “basic human decency”
when oppressed groups want rights, safety, and respect, it’s called “social justice”
I will write about the following, leave one in my ask box.
Dear person I hate,
Dear person I like,
Dear ex boyfriend,
Dear ex girlfriend,
Dear ex bestfriend,
Dear future me,
Dear past me,
Dear person I’m jealous of,
Dear person I had a crush on,
damn the pope about to preach some sick verses
the guy beatboxing behind him
"the guy" is the italian presidentP-Francis and the Prez
"I will now rap John 15, verses 1-17. Prez, drop the beat."
Today, I bought this book (for my sister, lets clarify that now ‘cause the only way I’m going anywhere near sperm is if I fall into a vat of it):
OF THE BRILLIANT:
STUFF IT HAS IN IT:
adults: “what are your plans for the summer?” “what are you planning on studying in college?” “what do you want to do in the future?”
I’m an adult and I still do this when someone asks what my plans are.
Except replace the studying and college thing with, “when are you having children?”
Jewish And Arab People Posing Together Online, ‘Refusing To Be Enemies’
In the midst of news about the ongoing Israeli-Palestinian conflict, some people are posting photos online for an international social media campaign on Facebook and Twitter, with the hashtag, #JewsAndArabsRefuseToBeEnemies.
seen on my face book feed(Anti-vaccination, modern)
who has ever thought this ever
Don’t let your children drink water it might make them think drinking other clear liquids is okay do you want your child drinking bleach
don’t let your children walk, it might make them think its okay to walk away from home
Correct me if I’m wrong, but I’m pretty sure not even people who use heroin believe it is beneficial.
Don’t let your child breathe air. Studies have shown thatin the event of a fire, children who breathe in air are much more likely to breathe in smoke than children who’ve never breathed air.
Don’t have a child. 100% of children grow up and die. You’re literally condemning your own children to die.
It’s a something awful dot com parody
Yup. It even has the URL right there in the bottom left corner. And the toll-free number on the bottom right is missing a digit.
So in the comics Hawkeye has 80% hearing loss.
The Black Widow is Russian.
Can you imagine when they’re on a mission and something goes wrong; the police are about to arrest them and they fall back on Plan H.
Black Widow, “So remember, you’re deaf and I don’t speak English”
Ann Friedman's Disapproval Matrix for handling criticism is a thing of genius, not to mention essential internet-age literacy. She explains:
Critics: These are smart people who know something about your field. They are taking a hard look at your work and are not loving it. You’ll probably want to listen to what they have to say, and make some adjustments to your work based on their thoughtful comments.
Lovers: These people are invested in you and are also giving you negative but rational feedback because they want you to improve. Listen to them, too.
Frenemies: Ooooh, this quadrant is tricky. These people really know how to hurt you, because they know you personally or know your work pretty well. But at the end of the day, their criticism is not actually about your work—it’s about you personally. And they aren’t actually interested in a productive conversation that will result in you becoming better at what you do. They just wanna undermine you. Dishonorable mention goes to The Hater Within, aka the irrational voice inside you that says you suck, which usually falls into this quadrant. Tell all of these fools to sit down and shut up.
Haters: This is your garden-variety, often anonymous troll who wants to tear down everything about you for no rational reason. Folks in this quadrant are easy to write off because they’re counterproductive and you don’t even know them. Ignore! Engaging won’t make you any better at what you do. And then rest easy, because having haters is proof your work is finding a wide audience and is sparking conversation. Own it.
The general rule of thumb? When you receive negative feedback that falls into one of the top two quadrants—from experts or people who care about you who are engaging with and rationally critiquing your work—you should probably take their comments to heart. When you receive negative feedback that falls into the bottom two quadrants, you should just let it roll off your back and just keep doin’ you.
Damn son our uterus stretches like 5x the size and then contracts and pushes a 7 pound baby out of a small tube into life if you think that isn’t metal as fuck get out of my face
YOUR ORGANS THOUGH IM SO SORRY LADIES
damn selfish babies taking up all the space
NAW MAN, LET ME FUCKING TELL YOU ABOUT PREGNANCY AND BABIES, ALRIGHT?
FIRST OF ALL, IT SUCKS DICK. FIRST OFF LET ME GIVE YOU A MOTHERFUCKING RUNDOWN ON WHAT YOU SHOULDN’T EAT OR DRINK WHEN YOU’RE PREGNANT.
- NO UNCOOKED ANYTHING IN FUCKING GENERAL ACTUALLY. AND ESPECIALLY NOT FISH.
- ANYTHING WITH CAFFEINE IN IT, WHICH INCLUDES COFFEE, SODA, CHOCOLATE (THAT’S RIGHT, NO CHOCOLATE), SEVERAL TYPES OF COOKIES AND CANDIES, AND ENERGY DRINKS.
- VEGETABLES AND MEATS THAT ARE RICH IN NITRATES LIKE HOTDOGS, SAUSAGE, LETTUCE, SPINACH AND CELERY.
SO BASICALLY IF YOU’RE USED TO EATING OR DRINKING ANY OF THOSE THINGS YOU BETTER BE PREPARED TO QUIT COLD TURKEY THE SECOND YOU GET PREGNANT.
NOW I’M NOT EVEN DONE. YOU SEE THAT PINK UPSIDE-DOWN TRIANGLE BELOW THE BABY’S HEAD? YEAH? THAT’S YOUR BLADDER. BABIES SQUEEZE DOWN ON THAT LIKE THERE’S NO TOMORROW AND ONCE YOU HIT THE THIRD TRIMESTER, YOU BASICALLY HAVE AN ELDERLY PERSON’S BLADDER. MY MOTHER TELLS ME SHE HAD TO GO TO THE BATHROOM AT LEAST 6 TIMES A DAY JUST SO SHE WOULDN’T WET HERSELF. ALSO WITH A BABY SQUEEZING’ UP AGAINST YOUR FUCKING INTESTINES LIKE THAT SAY HELLO TO CONSTIPATION NATION, EVERYONE.
SO NOT ONLY DO YOU HAVE THE BLADDER AND BOWELS OF AN OLD PERSON, BUT THAT GROWING HUMAN BEING GROWING OUT OF YOUR GULLET ALSO PUTS A HUUUUGE STRAIN ON YOUR BACK. NOT TO MENTION IT’S A PAIN IN THE FUCKING ASS TO MOVE ANYWHERE, SINCE YOU NEED TO START WALKING LIKE SOMEONE OUT OF A MONTY PYTHON SKIT JUST TO GET AROUND EFFICIENTLY. ALSO THAT ADDED WEIGHT MAKES YOUR FEET ACHE SOMETHING AWFUL. SO WHAT CAN YOU DO?
WELL GUESS WHAT. YOU CAN’T TAKE ASPRIN. ABSOLUTELY NO ASPRIN. NO IBUPROFEN, NO NAPROXEN NO NOTHING.
SO NOT ONLY ARE YOU IN PROBABLY THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE YOU WILL EVER BE, BUT YOUR MEDICINE CHOICES ARE EXTREMELY FUCKING LIMITED. (AND NO, I MENTIONED NO CHOCOLATE EITHER.)
DO YOU GUYS NOT REALIZE THAT THE FATE OF SOCIETY AND THE HUMAN RACE IN GENERAL IS BASED ON THE FACT THAT WOMEN MOSTLY CHOOSE TO GET PREGNANT? FOR LITTLE TO NO REWARD?! THE UNITED STATES ONLY GIVES 12 UNPAID WEEKS OF MATERNITY LEAVE ON AVERAGE.
YOU WOULD THINK THAT THE FUCKING PROCESS BY WHICH OUR POPULATION CONTINUES TO GROW WOULD BE FUCKING REWARDED AND CELEBRATED, NOT SWEPT UNDER THE FUCKING RUG LIKE A PIECE OF FUCKING DUST.
Greatest rant ever.
WORST RANT EVER BECAUSE ABOUT HALF THOSE “CAN’T EAT AT ALL” ARE BULLSHIT.
(I’ve reblogged this once before along the same lines. There is no “you can’t have any chocolate” (or even NO CAFFEINE EVER), there’s no “OMG NO NEVER SUSHI”, you are SUPPOSED to eat Spinach and dark leafy greens and there is no OMG DO NOT EAT EGGS.
Furthermore the restriction against drinking is there because of fear-mongering like this. It’s actually “Look, be a responsible person okay, don’t get drunk, certainly don’t drink every night but you know a glass or wine or a beer once in a while isn’t going to hurt you or your baby.”
The caffeine thing is much the same way and there is zero indication that caffeine hurts fetal devleopment - the suggestion that you cut back is for the mother, because coffee and soda can increase heartburn. There is sure as shit no doctor who forbids chocolate - and in fact, dark chocolate is on the “high in iron so eat some more” list.
The fish thing is to avoid high mercury fish, which is not every fish - and to make sure your fish is safely prepared, which means no cheap shitty sushi.
(fuck SAKE people, at least research before you reblog)